Mansion Party
by speccyboy
Summary: The Friends attend an open-air concert/party, but some of them are not too happy about the choice of songs. Friction is abound between our narrator and some of the gang, and will his forbidden relationship compromise the show? Read. Review.
1. Chapter 1

**Mansion Party**

**A Friends fan fiction**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except for my OC(s).**

**Part 1**

I slept in my bedroom soundly. It had been a difficult weekend because of my extensive physical feat, and my side arm had malfunctioned - AGAIN. The silence was deafening as I slept. I woke up to the sound of a cheesy theme tune being played on the TV in the main living room outside my bedroom. My eyes clicked open, and I looked at the time displayed on the alarm clock in front of me.

**11:00.**

I got up and shaved, getting dressed and eating breakfast. I found the source of the noise.

_Baywatch. Typical show for men to ogle at women in bathing suits._

I saw Joey and Chandler seated in front of the television.

"Hello." They didn't answer me. They were too busy watching the girls on the TV. I just shrugged and left. I had to get myself a new gun, after my previous two (Mauser C96 "Broomhandle" - 7.63x25mm and Beretta 92 - 9x21mm) BOTH ceased to function (all right, the former WAS over a century old, and the latter was more prone to Kabooms, but still...)

I walked down the stairs and into the streets of NYC. I felt scared and powerless without a weapon. I had relied on a defensive firearm for so long, I had forgotten what it was like not to have a side arm on your persona - day in, day out. I made my way to a local gun store. As I entered the gun store, I was greeted by the familiar-looking clerk - a burly-looking fellow with a goatee beard and long scruffy hair and a Cockney accent. He smiled as he recognised me.

"Sweevo! Lawd above, mate! Lookin' fer anuvver fine gun?" I nodded, understanding the Cockney slang. "What do you fancy? S&W? H&K? Beretta? Blimey! I know you're Italian, so you've got ter twilight crap those Bere'as. Nuff said, yeah?" I shook my head.

"I'll have something a bit more professional, Jack - something more kick-ass, if you like." I laughed. Jack nodded and took a pretty mean-looking handgun out of a drawer.

"I have just the thing for you, mate." He held it up for me to see. "Here: An FN Herstal FNX 9 - bi-tone - black frame and silver slide and barrel. Completely ambidextrous, too." I stood there, thinking about it. Jack nudged me further.

"Go on, mate. Take it. Half price." I nodded.  
"All right." I paid him the money ($ 250 - about 125), and he gave me the handgun, three 17-round magazines, and a box. We shook hands, and I left.

I returned back to the apartment to find the girls there, chatting about typical girly stuff that I usually didn't participate in. I went to my room, and found an exasperated Monica standing there, her arms folded.

_Oh, bugger._

"Sweevo, your room is a mess! Do I have to clean it up for you all the time? And don't tell me you clean it up now and then, because that ain't enough, mister, because your stuff is in the wrong place half the time! Your socks are in the pants drawer, and vice versa!" I had an Avonism ready.

"You shouldn't end your sentences with prepositions or abbreviated expressions unless you want to look and sound like a fifth-grade ignorant. Besides, what I do in my room is my business only." She calmed down, realising her mistake.

"I'm sorry. I just want to help you tidy up. It reminds me of the time I had to live in the boys' apartment... oh, God." Her mind reeked of terror at the memory. I spent the next half-hour cleaning up my room with Monica's help.

I exited my now-tidy room and sat down on a chair. I thought of an idea and my eyes illuminated.

"You know what we could do?" I said.  
"What?" I heard Rachel ask skeptically as she raised her eyebrows at me.  
"Why not... ask your parents if they will kindly host a party for us - with an outdoor live performance."  
"Smelly Cat live! I've got to practice before my friction burns heal up." I heard Phoebe say. I chuckled and then put on a deadpan facial expression.  
"I meant from me and some friends - a cover band."

I knew I said the wrong thing as I heard Rachel plead with me to play her and Ross's song. It made me retch just thinking about it. I looked at her and spoke firmly but sincerely.

"I can't guarantee anything, but I'll try. If I can't, then I'll find a suitable alternative." She nodded and left to phone her parents.


	2. Chapter 2

**Mansion Party**

**A Friends fan fiction**

**Alternative sequel to "The One With The Sporting Activities"**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except for my OC(s).**

**Part 2**

_What the hell's going on? It's been an hour since Rachel made her phone call._

I finally got bored of waiting for Rachel to come back with confirmation. I sighed and got up, deciding to go to the coffee house. However, before I could even set foot inside the shop, I heard the song Rachel requested me to play. I backed out almost immediately, and stayed outside, watching their behaviour from a distance. After about five minutes, when I was sure the song had ended, I slipped in and took a seat. Ordering a raspberry flapjack and glass of Coca-Cola, I sat down and started musing to myself, until I was interrupted by Joey asking me something.

"Hey, Sal... why'd you back up out of here a few minutes ago?" I turned to him with a look of confusion and ambiguity, and spoke patiently.  
"A song was playing on the PA speaker. I didn't like it so I backed out." Monica spoke to me inquisitively.  
"Was it...?" I cut her off.  
"Mention it, and I'll walk out of here faster than a fistful of dynamite." This prompted a snappy remark from Chandler.  
"Duck, you sucker!" I laughed, forgetting the problem and getting the joke.

It was then that I heard Phoebe play 'Smelly Cat'. The smile faded away slightly, and I scratched my head in disbelief and frustration.  
"Somebody put me back in the fridge." I waited for Phoebe to finish, and applauded somewhat reluctantly, but not showing it. A few minutes later, Rachel entered, completely excited.

"You will not believe it! My parents have agreed to host a party for us!" Monica smiled, almost grinned.  
"That's great!"  
"They've agreed to host the live show for Salvatore, too - albeit reluctantly." I smiled at the mention of my real name

I sat up and brushed some imaginary dust off me, and sat down. Phoebe jumped up and caught me in the act, so to speak.  
"What's the matter? Is your aura getting infected?" I shrugged and nodded.  
"I've taken care of it." I turned back to the others and spoke to Rachel.  
"Thanks, Rachel."  
"Any time, Salvatore." She smiled her signature sly smile. I started writing something on a piece of paper and handed it out to the other six. Monica was puzzled.

"What's this about?" I replied matter-of-factly.  
"I need suggestions for the setlist." Monica smiled.  
"I'll help you sort them out if you like."  
"How? Name? Length? Genre? Artist?" I retorted. Monica grinned even harder.  
"All of them."

I groaned and wished I'd kept my mouth shut.


	3. Chapter 3

**Mansion Party**

**A Friends fan fiction**

**Alternative sequel to "The One With The Sporting Activities"**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except for my OC(s). Do not sue the pants off me. This is for fun only.**

**Part 3**

I waited for what felt like 10 minutes until they each came back with a list of some suggestions. Needless to say, Monica was the only one making any effort, and this is what I got in the end - a VERY detailed list of suggested songs. Artist, album, title, year. Here it is below:

**Monica's List**

**GENESIS **  
_Abacab (Abacab - 1981)_  
_Afterglow (Wind and Wuthering - 1976)_  
_Blood on the Rooftops (Wind and Wuthering - 1976)_  
_Domino (Invisible Touch - 1986)_  
_Dreaming While You Sleep (We Can't Dance - 1991)_  
_Driving the Last Spike (We Can't Dance - 1991)_  
_Fading Lights (We Can't Dance - 1991)_  
_Hold On My Heart (We Can't Dance - 1991)_  
_Home by the Sea (Genesis/"The Shapes Album" - 1983)_  
_I Can't Dance (We Can't Dance - 1991)_  
_Land of Confusion (Invisible Touch - 1986)_  
_Los Endos (Trick of the Tail - 1976)_  
_Many Too Many (And Then There Were 3 - 1978)_  
_No Son Of Mine (We Can't Dance - 1991)_  
_Ripples (Trick of the Tail - 1976)_  
_Stagnation (Trespass - 1970)_  
_The Brazilian (Invisible Touch - 1986)_  
_The Knife (Trespass - 1970)_  
_Turn It On Again (Duke - 1980)_  
_Way Of The World (We Can't Dance - 1991)_

**QUEEN **  
_Back Chat (Hot Space - 1982)_  
_Calling All Girls (Hot Space - 1982)_  
_Friends will be Friends (A Kind of Magic - 1986)_  
_Headlong (Innuendo - 1991)_  
_Heaven for Everyone (Made in Heaven - 1995)_  
_Hijack my Heart ("The Invisible Man" B-side - 1989)_  
_Procession (Queen 2 - 1974)_  
_Put out the Fire (Hot Space - 1982)_  
_Save Me (The Game - 1980)_  
_Scandal (The Miracle - 1989)_  
_Who Wants to Live Forever? (A Kind of Magic - 1986)_

She knew these were the only two popular artists I would consider listening to or covering. Monica knew and understood me better than the others, for some apparent reason. Maybe it was because she understood my autism (learning disability) and found ways to work around it - something which the others couldn't figure out how to deal with. I picked up my cell phone and answered it. I heard a female voice - Jill - on the other end.

"Hello?" I stood up and walked outside into the city streets, where the sun was beginning to set. Jill's voice reeked through the tinny speakers.  
"Sal! Hey! How are you? I hear you're coming to our place for a party? It's going to be so great, I can promise you that!" I laughed.  
"Yeah - I'm bringing some musicians over. I'm going to perform live, too - a pool concert, if you like." I heard Jill squeal louder. I thought to myself in a moment of self-reprimand:

_Salvatore, can't you keep your smegging mouth shut, man!_


	4. Chapter 4

**Mansion Party**

**A Friends fan fiction**

**Alternative sequel to "The One With The Sporting Activities"**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except for my OC(s). Do not sue the pants off me. This is for fun only.**

**Part 4**

I stood outside the coffee house like a total tit, waiting for Jill to finish speaking. She was squealing excitedly - and I was certain I could hear Amy in the background. After what felt like 10 minutes of constant squealing, I heard a repeated beeping noise. Looking at my cell phone, I realised that I was out of credit - the display read:

**OUT OF CREDIT**

I sighed and pocked it, returning to the coffee house - a woman was sitting where I had previously been seated not more than 10 minutes earlier. Joey smiled at her.  
"Hey - how YOU doing?" The woman smiled at Joey and put his arms around him, allowing me to sit back in my seat. Rachel immediately spoke to me.  
"Was that my sister Jill?" I nodded.  
"She wasted all my credit on my phone." Rachel looked at me sympathetically.  
"That's my sister for you." She smiled a bit. This prompted another sarcastic remark from Chandler.  
"Well, now, it looks like the Green girls are going to have to deal with Red and Blue." Rachel turned to Chandler with a slightly annoyed look. Chandler cowered slightly.  
"I mean... your surname - Green? The remaining two colours in the light spectrum? Red? Blue?" Monica spoke up.  
"Shut up, Chandler."

We went back to the apartment - on the way back, I went to get myself some more credit. Returning to the apartment, I found the door to my room wide open. I grunted slightly, and I heard a loud, high-pitched screeching noise - the kind you get on a ZX Spectrum or Amstrad CPC computer when loading a game from audio cassette.

"AAHH! TURN IT OFF!" I heard Joey scream hysterically, prompting me to laugh like Kerr Avon on steroids. I walked into the room to see my laptop connected to my TV - and the source of the noise: A game was loading on a ZX Spectrum emulator. Joey turned to look at me:

"What is it! Turn it off!" I led him out and calmed him down, explaining that the computer was doing a job for him. It would let him use it when it stopped screeching like a Baywatch babe in danger. He nodded. Ross came in, doing his signature 'Keep it down' gesture. I followed him into the hallway, where we had a slightly Avon/Blake-esque exchange.

"Ross?" He turned at the mention of his name.  
"Yes, Salvatore?" I looked at him just as Avon would look at Blake, and spoke my mind.  
"You do know we're going to Rachel's parent's house later tonight, don't you?"  
"Yes..." His face fell at the prospect of having to go there.  
"I just want you to know that I'll back you up... however, it has also occurred to me that if you should run into any trouble, whether it is yours or Rachel's making, then either your sister or one of your best friends might have to risk their necks to rescue you." Ross narrowed his eyes slightly.

"Then you must advise them against it, Salvatore." I responded with a sneer.  
"Oh, I will. Count on it." A pause. Ross changed the subject.

"I hear Monica's helping you with the setlist?" I nodded patiently, dreading whether he would ask me the question.  
"Are you going to...?" I looked at him with an expression that said 'Don't go any further than that, mate.' Ross pleaded with me - only he and Monica understood me.  
"Oh, come on! It's mine and Rachel's song! I picked it out for her myself!" I retorted with another Avon-like jibe.  
"That's quite appropriate, given your stance with her and women in general!" I mollified my attitude slightly.  
"I won't play it. I'll get Phoebe to play it as a support act. Just don't make me hear it, OK?" He raised his hands.  
"OK - fine." He left. "What an uptight buffoon." I retorted, having heard the insult.  
"I heard that!"


	5. Chapter 5

**The Set-list**

_Squonk _  
_Ripples _  
_Your Own Special Way_  
_Blood On The Rooftops _  
_Follow You Follow Me _  
_Turn It On Again _  
_Abacab_

_**Dodo/Lurker Suite  
**__Dodo  
Lurker_

_Mama_

**_Home By The Sea Suite_**  
_Home By The Sea  
Second Home By The Sea*_

_Invisible Touch  
_  
_**Domino Suite**  
In The Glow Of The Night  
The Last Domino_

_Throwing It All Away  
__The Brazilian_ *  
_Land Of Confusion _  
_No Son Of Mine _  
_ Hold On My Heart _  
_I Can't Dance_

**_In The Cage Medley_**  
_In The Cage _  
_Unquiet Slumbers For The Sleepers In That Quiet Earth (2nd half)_ *  
_Afterglow_

_Dance On A Volcano _  
_Drum Duet _*  
_Los Endos *  
_

**1ST ENCORE **  
The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway  
The Musical Box (Ending)

**2ND ENCORE**  
The Carpet Crawlers

**POST-SHOW/BACKSTAGE TRACK: Fading Lights**

*** Instrumental Track**


End file.
